I Cry

sometimes
i cry when i'm lonely,
sometimes, i go looking for solitude,
to cry,
sometimes, the tears force their way
when i'm lost in the crowds, yet alone,
at others, i make peace with -
that's how it's meant to be

sometimes it's the loneliness,
that makes me feel blue,
more often, it's the despair
that i couldn't fill your void,
when you stood alone,
that makes my eyes well up

sometimes, i wonder
why god penned it this way,
but then, i wonder,
who to plead with -
when my god is you

sometimes
i choke up when i'm with you,
often, i have a lump in throat
just to be with you,
sometimes, i well up feeling your grace
at others,
it's asking for your grace
sometimes,
it's the flashes from memories,
that i cry my eyes out,
many times,
it's the undying desire to create
a few more

sometimes,
it's your concern and fondness
escaping the guarded lips
that moves me to tears,
but at other times,
it's the endless wait
for a few more golden words

sometimes,
i wish to be in your arms
to let go of the bottled up feelings,
but, most often,
i dream of you in mine,
as you melt, one day,
hopefully soon
and let me seal the smile
that i'm used to every day,
in my dreams!





© sashikant mohanty

Seventh Heaven

the "come over!" 
was electric,
and left me frozen, for a second.
was i seeing a dream again,
like the ones over the years?

i cycled down,
and she made it too,
my heart skipped a beat
at seeing her,
i pinched myself -
was this for real?
the curling up of lips,
escaping through the rim of her mask,
but as she took it off,
she couldn't conceal further
the joy, disbelief and the angst, all writ large
as her heart leaped out,
the first time
since that misty morning,
many novembers back.
what will you have?
didn't sound sweeter in many years

nothing has changed
me choking up with bliss,
she struggling with hers,
feigning the smile,
lipping out a few words,
many unsaid,
how have you been?
good
you've gone down,
and you haven't changed a bit

nothing has changed,
the memories kept rolling,
as new were created,
she wore a smile,
her gaze set on mine,
until the winter breeze
blew the hair over her face
and a line of tears oozed
from the corner of her eyes,
a few words slipped
how beautiful, the december nights,
the train ride,
the mirch masala dinners
is the deity still there?
hope you sleep well now
the quiet concern over the blood pressure,
and for those that are no more

it was a dream
felt like being in seventh heaven
that hour was a moment,
crying and holding back,
as time flew by
that november evening,
on mahanadi banks,
we parted once more,
took different paths,
unsure when we'd make it again,
me and my loneliness!




© sashikant mohanty

My Heart

every evening is the same,
i look for my heart,
a little here,
and a little out there,
sometimes feeling lost,
at others, a lot certain,
it beat for me, then
i know it beats for me now, too
the little birdie tells me so

last evening,
as the winter breeze
numbed my face,
and the numbness grew as the evening grew,
it reminded of the numbness,
of the december skies,
when my heart'd sing for me,
it bled for me,
it raced for me,
it choked up, and it teared up 
for me.
as the dew settled on my eyes,
or, was it the dew within?
i know,
somewhere deep down there,
wherever you are, my heart,
you'd still be humming, 
praying and craving,
under a november sky

this evening,
i found my heart,
between the smiles and the tears,
between hope and despair,
between the soaked pillows
and the moist pallus,
hid neatly from everyone,
in the dark of the night,
between the pages of her diary flapping,
and my unmissable clock ticking



© sashikant mohanty

Tell Me Something

tell me, something
why my heart misses a beat,
to see you,
feel your voice, again
and hear how it's been since the last time,
many moons back,
what a long winter,
i can't wait any longer,
can you?

tell me something,
why the urge is so vivid,
to run up the stairs, tiptoeing,
bolt the door behind us,
sit and let the hearts pace down,
keep gazing at each other,
and notice nothing's changed,
as we sip the ginger tea,
your asking if feels like then,
my nod and the smile giving it away
as i wonder,
where is the cane chair,
and the deities?

tell me something, baby,
don't you want to listen to my voice, too,
see how i look,
the salt-and-pepper hair,
keep watching the smiles,
watch the tears roll,
tease me rondu,
as you tear up yourself,
and complain,
why i took so long again!

tell me something,
how long this silence,
i keep saying your silence speaks a lot,
but today -
i need your voice

© sashikant mohanty

My Dream

 

you were my dream,
you were my hope, and my smiles,
you were my tears too
as we wept in the other's arms, 
and you let me see a new you, 
that cracked and craved,
how i jumped on the next train,
when you'd wished to see me,
how we weaved a hundred dreams
how time flew between those dreams

you are the dream,
i see with eyes wide shut, 
there was never a moment,
that didn't have your thoughts writ on it,
there hasn't been a day,
you were not missed,
there isn't an evening
I've lived since

you'll be my dream forever, sweet,
you are the one, i look for
everywhere, 
waiting at the window,
leaning against the balcony rails,
gazing into the empty sun-soaked streets, 
and scanning the crowds at sundown,
how i fancy, 
the universe conspiring,
for the love birds to unite again,
for you to come,
like i did, then,
when you had asked to see

how i fancy my best dream yet,
to meet my dream, one day,
so we could weave dreams again,
and make up for the dreams,
we couldn't live!



© sashikant mohanty

Under the November skies

it's a special journey, tonight,
a homecoming,
as my heart longs to unite with its soul,
and my eyes seek rest,
my breath craves to slow down
and, melt in yours

the moon was shy tonight,
and, the evening sky jogged my memory
can't say what lit up
the embers of the past,
whether it was
the moon and the polestar together,
or, the smiles from many winters back

it's a special journey tonight,
under the november skies,
when the thoughts rang in more,
and the quiet spoke volumes
when my heart found another,
that pounded for it,
so what if you never owned up to it!



© sashikant mohanty