Diary of My Father

Sometimes,
I want to break free of the steel frame
Play with sand castles to my heart's content,
See them break,
Then bargain with my father
For those two minutes, so I could re-build.
And, he patiently waited for an hour
Not complaining, not asking me to rush
Through building my castles.
Did you not have a headache that day, Bapa?
Didn't you have to go to vegetable market, ten miles away
To save that extra five rupees?

Sometimes,
I want to take a ride on your bike
Have you in pillion,
So I could listen to your stories
Of the journeys, the pains, falls and the bruises
That shaped the steel that is you, today.
I want to join you in the village farm
Watch your eyes glow with passion
As you water the plants
So, our future isn't filled with the pains
That you had to go through!
Did you not long to go on holidays,
And enjoy your life as well?

Sometimes,
There is a strong gush of thoughts in me
To visit memories of another day
Follow you out of home to work,
And watch you, from a distance,
As you toiled those long unending days
With unmatched spirit
Long after the sun went down
Even after the office guard gave up
And cycled out in the dark.
You gave life to your work, behind the scenes
So as to give us the good lives
All, for that smile that lit our lives, then
And right to this day
Were you not tired, doing this day after day, Bapa
Did you not need rest, ever?

Sometimes,
I tear apart completely
Between the desire to be with you, father
And the want to be the good father.
Between spending time with you,
Listen to your stories
And creating memories as a father
Telling our stories, stories of a father
Those, that my children would cherish long after.
Between the desire to keep that line of tears away
From your eyes,
And the need to keep the smile
Intact in my children's lives!

Sometimes,
I want to take a walk
A long walk,
Where I could listen to all your stories
Your best kept secrets
When you'd also share the pains,
You went through for us,
When you could lean against my shoulders,
Let go the tears
That you kept away from us,
When you could tell me
How scared you were of our failure,
Or how scared you were
When I boarded the train alone,
The first time without you with me,
Or, how you wanted to hug tightly, and hold me back
The feelings that you hid behind your smile
As I left home to join my first job!
And maybe many more things,
That you've held away from us
So that we live a good life,
All for the smile that you wanted
Intact in our lives!



© Sashikant Mohanty